Even when feelings don’t lend themselves to forgiveness, taking the step can still free us in greater relationship with God
Often in Lent, we are called to stop holding on to something we desire, something we want, making a sacrifice that non-traumatically hurts to help lead us closer to understanding Christ and His love for us.
But for many of us, Lent can become a time to stop holding on to bitterness, complaints, resentment, worries, even things that can come from traumatic experiences – allowing Christ to transform us in the deepest of ways.
“I work with clients who have emotional and behavioral difficulties. A lot of these negative feelings (are) common to them,” said Alicia Barbers, a licensed social worker and part of the counseling team with Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Harrisburg.
“They’ve had very, very difficult situations, traumatic situations, reasons to be angry and upset and unforgiving toward people, but yet they realize that keeping these feelings contained within themselves is detrimental to them (as) it’s affecting other areas of their life, such as relationships with their loved ones.”
Barbers says harboring anger and our inability to forgive, as understandable as it can be after having endured trauma, also affects our relationship with God.
“If we’re not forgiving others for what they have done to us, then we in turn are not feeling gratitude toward God for forgiving us of our trespasses,” she said.
She recommends taking an understanding of forgiveness that doesn’t attach itself to angry feelings which someone can feel long after the hurt someone caused them.
“People often feel with forgiveness, the feelings have to come first and then you forgive the person,” Barbers said.
“What we find is that forgiveness is an act of the will. Maybe say out loud when you’re alone, ‘I forgive so-and-so for what they’ve done to me. I’m not going to harbor resentment against them. I’m going to pray for their relationship with Christ that they would come to a saving faith in Him and they would change.’ It’s difficult because it’s not condoning what the person did, but it is releasing yourself from the anger and bitterness that you carry inside of you.”
A sometimes-visible example of such intense forgiveness can often be seen in courtrooms after violent crime, when the loved ones of a victim take that powerful step during a sentencing hearing.
“I have seen those situations before where a family member has said that they forgive the individual, but they do want justice to be served and society to be protected. And you know, that is just unbelievable grace at work from God,” Barbers said.
“It’s hard to understand, but maybe the way to look at it is that you’re really releasing that person to God, to God’s custody. You’re not going to be the judge. You are trusting God to be the ultimate judge. Therefore, that frees you up to go on and live your own life the way God intended.”
Often, the step of forgiveness, of releasing the need to judge, happens in smaller moments of struggle or even annoyance.
Barbers suggests that when someone cuts you off in traffic or errors in making your mocha at the coffee shop, simply follow the golden rule.
“Treat others the way you want to be treated,” she said.
“Look at life through the lens of humility. When you look at the fact that we are created beings, we’re fallible, sin has tainted our lives, sin has tainted the lives of everyone in the world. Who are we to put on airs and act lofty and better than others?”
To live within that mental, emotional and spiritual space, Barbers suggests a life of reconceiving our mental state within a constant “attitude of gratitude.”
“There’s a concept in therapy we call reframing. We look at things from a different perspective that makes challenging situations more palatable and less stressful for us,” she said.
“You might reframe something in a way that gives you more control over the situation, or even realize that things aren’t as bad as they are, that you’ve been blessed in other areas of your life, and you get the strength to carry on that way.”
Many of us have also come into a deeper awareness of our own anxiety, particularly amidst growing concerns about the world we live in, the economy and other stressors that can evolve from those challenges and beyond.
Barbers suggests we recognize that the percentage of things we can control is smaller than we think, and that like Christ did in His ministry, we can focus on action within the things we can control.
“Rather than being overcome by worry, maybe do something action-oriented that takes us out of the situation. For example, maybe going for a walk, praying, meditating, asking God, ‘What can I do to help me in this situation? What kind of action steps can I do to overcome this?’ And then actually put them into play,” she says.
Barbers says people can fuel themselves in this mission by praying the rosary or scriptural meditation.
“The Joyful Mysteries, because they are focused on Christ’s life in times of happiness, they are a great lifter of spirits. If you’re struggling with depression or something like that, it can open up some new thinking patterns for yourself,” said Barbers.
“One Biblical passage that comes to mind is 1 John 4:18: ‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love.’”
Barbers sees Lent as part of a lifelong faith process that is a marathon, not a sprint, and that letting go of those greatest struggles can help us in centering ourselves in Christ to take that long path.
“We can be open if we are in the process of sanctification,” she says. “That will make us more open and susceptible to hearing God’s promptings for us.”
(Jay Sorgi is a freelance reporter for The Catholic Witness. Photo by Chris Heisey, The Catholic Witness.)
By Jay Sorgi, The Catholic Witness
